The Luckiest

"I don't get many things right the first time, 

In fact, I am told that a lot,

Now I know all the wrong turns

The stumbles and falls brought me here...

Now I see it everyday,

That I am the luckiest." -Ben Folds

Sorry, I have been late of posting. This weekend was one of those moments, that everyone needs from life. A reminder from the universe that you are loved and that you matter. Especially for us perpetually single people, you can feel beat down believing love is something that you can never obtain. However, this weekend served as an example for me.  While, I may have not found the one, and perhaps I may never find him, I am not lacking in love. 

I turned 33 this weekend, and while I didn't do anything spectacular or crazy, I still got a chance to be around friends and family. This is my favorite time of year, regardless of the fact that it was my birthday, and just being able to be outdoors and surrounded by laughter while you drink a cold beer, helped me feel better. Especially after being inside for so long from ACL surgery.

I try so hard to struggle through my troubles without complaint. The long work hours, the long school hours, the lack of pay, etc. But even though I am a confident person, I still struggle. I struggle with the feeling of never being good enough for a man to love. I struggle to lose weight, any weight. I struggle to find a job that satisfies me and pays the bills. I struggle to find my purpose in this world. I so often go to bed feeling like a failure, even though I have worked so hard. 

But this weekend uplifted me in so many ways. The fact that my wall was flooded on Facebook, the numerous text messages and voice mails left on my phone, or the friends just showing up to buy me a drink, helped me to see that my life is so blessed in so many ways. I may still struggle and continue to fight the loneliness in my heart, but I am still loved.

It is silly that such a thing as cold beers out on a patio enjoying nice weather on Saturday night, could bring me to tears, but it does. I have so many people in my life that have remained by my side despite my setbacks and my mistakes. People who love me because of me, not because of my weight, my job, or my martial status.

I think we all need those days. The reminder of our personal impact on the world. To understand that even in our small corners of the world, we still make a difference in someone's life. That someone, even just one person, marks our passage of time and appreciates our presence.

That has been hard. I have lost a few friends over the years because of my mistakes, my bad relationships, and physical distance. My best friend of twenty years has not spoken to me in almost 18 months because of a misunderstanding. Even though I have called, e-mailed, and apologized for something that wasn't even my fault, it has been hard. I still read occasionally think back to my ex-friend who referred to me as "passive aggressive" and "jealous" of my failure to find marriage and happiness. I feel let down by the people I supported throughout my life, who abandoned me when I needed friends the most.

Some nights, I lay awake feeling like my life has been a failure.

But am I really a failure? Is being single, a failure? Or am I in a transitional period (albeit a long period) where I am moving towards greater satisfaction and perhaps that ultimate goal of love? I am a year away from a doctorate. A goal I have dreamed about since I was 8 years old. It was something I have wanted longer than a husband. It has something that I never let anyone tell me "no" to. The completion of my doctorate is proof, that I am not a failure and not a coward no matter how tough the struggle. No matter how much I need a vacation.

Like many people, I can get caught up in the negative in my life. Trust me, when you live paycheck to paycheck, it is hard not to be a "Negative Nelly". But turning 33 might be the year for me. Without being overtly sappy or condescending, I appreciate all the well wishes and love this weekend. It has meant so much to me. It is the light that I will try and hold on to when the days become dark. 

We forget that sometimes the greatest gifts we can give to another person is our time, our compassion, and our love. Since I am a believer in the little things, it was those little things this weekend that meant the most to me. Many of you, that read my blog, were one of those people who took the time to tell me you thought of me. And I thank you.

I am another year older, but yet, I pass another year on this Earth knowing that I am loved and valued. In my darkest days when I used to contemplate suicide because I was so isolated and depressed in my abusive relationship, I had lost sight of my self-worth and my value. 

I may not have that one special person who thinks the world of me, but I have quite a few people who are glad for me to a be small presence in their life. My life is rich and full of joy because I can wake up knowing that a few people are glad that I am alive. And I need to remember, that no man or person for that matter, can take that away from me.

In the end, maybe that is all that should matter. That we love and our loved. I for one, am the luckiest, because I know I am loved.