Stronger

Today, like many thousands of Americans, I watched as the 118th Boston Marathon welcomed 23,000 runners to Boston. This year, the event represented much more than running. The race represented for many: strength, resilience, perseverance, overcoming adversity, and most importantly...peace. Today, we watched as runners of all ages, races, religions, and experience levels spoke as a single entity, that we would never let hatred keep us from finishing the race. It was in many ways, awe inspiring and emotional.

While the days tick down to my surgery. I find myself anxious. I have never been a good patient, and more importantly the fear of going under the knife, worries me. While the risk is minimal, there is always risk. The knowledge that I will be knowingly putting myself through a lot of pain, so that I can come out stronger than before, is also a little disconcerting. Why does healing, always require so much pain?

But watching the faces of the runners today, crossing the finish line, I realize that my own battles, while significant in my mind, are insignificant compared to what others have endured this past year. Runners and spectators who have lost limbs, suffer from shrapnel wounds, and permanent hearing loss. For some, their pain will never be over. The damage was too significant. For others, while they walk/run with no physical wounds, they are still suffering the emotional scars from PTSD. I find it hard to complain too much, about what is coming up for me, while watching what transpired today.

After talking with the physical therapist today about my treatment plans for rehab after surgery, there is a good chance that if everything goes well, I will be back to competitive form by October. Of course I felt a little goofy "practicing" using crutches and learning how to wrestle with the various seat belt straps of my ACL brace. The athlete in me itches for the challenge of what rehab will entail, the klutz in me is already nervous. However, t
he perfectionist in me wants to use the opportunity to be even stronger than before. In many ways, this feels like an opportunity. I hope I have the courage to face it.

I hope to be stronger.

Setbacks and Future Implications

As the poet Robert Burns once said in the poem, To A Mouse: "The best laid schemes o' mice an' men, often go awry". This has certainly been the theme of my life, the past couple of weeks.

A couple of weeks ago, I got hit from behind in what has always been known as my "bad" knee during a touch football game. Going with my instinct, that this problematic knee should really be re-examined after another MCL sprain, I made an appointment with an orthopedic doctor. My instinct turned out to be correct, and after a quick MRI, it has been revealed that my ACL is torn as well as my lateral meniscus. In fact according to the orthopedic knee specialist, I probably have not known what "normal" has felt like on that knee in years.

The knee injury that I suffered in 2008 playing indoor soccer, was probably the injury that resulted in the initial tear. Unfortunately, I had a bad doctor in North Carolina who blew me off as a female athlete and I did not fight for a second opinion even though I went down in the game with a twist and "pop" that is often indicative of a ligament tear (non-contact ACL injuries are the most common injury in female athletes). Since then, my ACL has been tearing away from my tibia, and continues to weaken under the pressure, pivoting, and movement of playing sports (I have a complete subacute-chronic ACL tear).

While, the thought of surgery scares me and the fact that rehabilitation for an allograft reconstruction of the ACL will have a recover of 6-8 months, the idea of having to give up an active lifestyle permanently scares me more. When the doctor asked me if I wanted to still play sports, I didn't hesitate to say yes. In fact, a week ago over the phone my mother said, "Well maybe you just have to give up playing all these sports". The idea of given up something that has defined who I am for most of my life, brought me to tears. I chokingly responded, "I am too young at 33 to give up what has made me the happiest in my life".
 
And it is true. While I no longer win trophies, and I am certainly in the back of the pack in races, the joy of being able to call myself an athlete is a large part of how I identify myself to others. Bruised shins, stinky running shoes, multiple sticks of deodorant and body glide, endless pairs of mismatched socks, athletic apparel over dresses in my closet, finisher medals, various athletic equipment in my car trunk, and a myriad of coaching experiences; defines who I am. I would not be the same person without a life involving sports.

I said a few weeks ago, that part of my motivation to get into shape, would be to focus on helping motivate and encourage my friends in their own pursuits towards a happy and active life. It seems God is making sure I will follow through on that statement. Having this surgery means that I will not able to participate in any sort of athletic event for the next 6-8 months. Meaning my first race of the season (White Hot 5K), will also be my last race of the season.

But as much as this is a setback, it also has a lot of promise. The future implication of this surgery is that my leg and knee will be stronger than ever before. That I might be able to actually run without pain, and that I can participate in my favorite sports without feeling like my knee will give out or snap in half. It also means that with my rehabilitation program I will have an opportunity to focus and train hard on getting back into physical shape. That there will be no excuses and no procrastination.

So while I had planned to post about my training this summer, and my races. Instead, I ask that you walk with me through my journey of recovery as I will be blogging about coming back from a setback, and preparing myself to be a better (and stronger) athlete in 2015.

Moving Forward While Looking Back

"You’ll learn, as you get older, that rules are made to be broken. Be bold enough to live life on your terms, and never, ever apologize for it. Go against the grain, refuse to conform, take the road less traveled instead of the well-beaten path. Laugh in the face of adversity, and leap before you look. Dance as though EVERYBODY is watching. March to the beat of your own drummer. And stubbornly refuse to fit in."-Mandy Hale

After a long absence from blogging, some of it a self-imposed banishment due to the lack of anything positive to say, and the fact that I had people nosing around that I wasn't willing to allow into my personal life. That being said, I am back. Slightly different than before, and in need of a desperate "reset".

I think my struggle to find anything of merit or value to say, has a lot to do with the fact that I have been carrying around baggage for far too long. The bitterness of a broken heart, failed relationships, bad dates, a lousy economy, and the perpetual feeling of working hard for nothing. Every time I logged into my blog, I had those reminders lurking in old posts and news feeds. It was time to revamp and start fresh.

While I cannot say that 2013 was a bad year, it wasn't a great year either. I feel like my life has been stuck in neutral, with me rushing through the valleys due to the pull of gravity. This has then been followed by the slow churn of making the next hill with barely any momentum. It is like trying to bike under water. Everything seemed out of place, and nothing seemed to work right.

While I say goodbye to the mediocrity of 2013, I am hoping for a great year in 2014. I am hoping that this is my year. The year of not only big changes, but a gain in momentum that has nothing to do with going through the motions of life. Rather I want the momentum in my life to be due to the fact that I am embracing life.

Embracing a single life, and finding contentment that I am turning 33 with no love in sight. That this is the year, where I am really okay to be single, and where I can acknowledge that life is good even as a single digit.

The new year, 2014, will be the year dedicated to seeking a life full of laughter, and truly appreciating the blessings and contentment that comes from a life well lived.

This is the year where:

1. I will stop looking back at failures with regret, rather I will treat them as lessons to be learned.
2. I will get back the body and health that I want, not because I will look better in the mirror but because I will feel better about myself.
3. I will learn to love myself instead of acting like I should be life's doorstep.
4. I will allow myself to make mistakes without beating myself up.
5. I will tell my family and friends that I love them more.
6. I will wake up each day knowing that the world is a better place because I am in it.
7. I will stop worrying about why I don't have a man, and instead realize that everything has its purpose and place. Even loneliness. 
8. I will embrace my flaws while working to overcome my weaknesses.
9. I will get my health under control.
10. I will laugh more.
11. I will drink more wine with friends.

This is a new chapter for me in my seven years of blogging, and hopefully a confident step in a better direction.

To my friends and readers who have stayed with me, asked me to blog again, and have encouraged me during my darkest hours....thank you.