Cleveland Is My Om

Changing gears here. Time to actually put something positive and uplifting on my blog. And what better way to do that than talking about my beloved hometown...and yoga.

Yoga is one of the few fitness related activities that I was given permission to do by my orthopedic surgeon without restrictions. It is the only exercise I have been able to do these last months that have allowed me to work up a sweat, get my heart rate up, and feel stronger the next day as I revel in sore muscles. 

I heard about the Believe in CLE events through my friend Carolyn who invited me to tag along this summer as 2100 yogis practiced yoga in front of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It was blissful, it was challenging, and more importantly I felt connected to my city. It made me realize how far I had come from Charlotte, and how much I was finding the person I lost after being stuck in an abusive relationship for three years. 

I enjoyed the event so much, I got another friend to tag along and Carolyn, Cat, and I attended the AHA! Cleveland event as part of the Opening Ceremonies for the 2014 Gay Games. Seeing the sun set over the lake, rejoicing in a city that embraced athletes from different nationalities, religious affiliations, and sexual orientations, and sweating it out with two other Grunt Girls made me fall in love with my city even more during that happy evening. 

This time, I attended the Believe in CLE event by myself. However even without the support of close friends, the feeling of connection and energy was the same as I took the court of the Q Arena with Moondog and 600 other Cleveland yogis practicing their Downward Dog. While I would label myself as a recreational yogi given my inability to afford regular yoga sessions, I still felt like I belonged. 

I am facing another possible surgery on my knees, and part of me is hoping that I will be able to set aside some cash in 2015 to make it a regular practice as part of my recovery. More importantly, it has been through yoga that I have been able to let go of the stress, pain, and frustration I have been holding unto for so long. As I laid on the ground listening to my heart beat and fighting back tears, the gentle squeeze by the woman next to me who held my hand through our warm-ups, helped me to feel less alone and more part of the universe. While I need more of these events...and more of these soul comforting moments, our city needs them, too. We could all use a lot more "om" in our lives, and lot less destructive emotions that wither away at our sense of self-worth and our ability to connect with others around us.

That is why I am very glad I came back home. I needed to feel reconnected to my roots, in order to find out who I am today. I needed to find a place where I am loved for who I am. I have never been a trendy, flashy, or stand out girl...but in that way, I am very much a Clevelander. Will always be a Clevelander.

"Cleveland has never followed anyone else's rules, we made our own. That's because the city where rock was born knows a thing or two about passion, freedom and doing things your way. Sure there's been pressure. But under the right conditions, pressure can create diamonds. So if you like a bit of grit mixed with sophistication in a place where you can eat bucatini pasta served with beef jerky, dance to world music on the front lawn of a renowned art museum or do yoga in front of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame -- and all in a city where we don't take ourselves too seriously...We've never been flashy, trendy or perfect. And for that, you're welcome." -This Is Cleveland 

A Pep Talk

As I sip on a glass of red wine, and enjoy a bowl of oxtail soup (which I made from scratch), I feel like I need to take a few moments to give myself a pep talk.

The recent misadventures in dating, and honestly the entire frustration of terrible rules, guidelines, and principles that make up the dating world these days, have left me a little bitter. And totally sad.

I wrestle constantly, and you have read it in my blog, with just giving up. Throwing in the towel, and just learning how not to care that I don't have love. People have given me advice, thrown in their two cents, and uttered every cliche. I have given in and gone on a few set-ups, and it doesn't really change the fact that I feel pretty miserable when it is all said and done.

My last set-up was with a coworker's cousin who just wants to find a "nice girl". After meeting him and going dutch on our date (apparently a guy paying for dinner is the ultimate sign of interest level), I am convinced he would be better off with a nice boy, rather than a nice girl.

Let's not forget that the guy I was interested in and took a gamble on, informed me (through text of course) after beating around the bush for several weeks that he is not interested. Or perhaps it would be better to quote him: "If you are asking if I think we are going to be serious...to be honest I have met a few other girls and connected with them. I can't promise anything, but I definitely have a lot of friends. However, if we ever hang out again, I will definitely pay for dinner. If anything, I believe in putting in my fair share."

Apparently the guy who is "too busy to date" has enough time to have connected with a few other women as well. To make sure he didn't entirely forget rubbing salt into my wound, he goes on to text, "If it makes you feel better I have spent thousands of dollars on being "that guy" and I am still single". And the world wonders why? I guess him telling me that spending $70 on our dinner (I paid for both of us), was not so bad when compared to his losses.

Dating in the past two years can pretty much be summed by the following:

1. "Personality-wise you are almost perfect. But I am looking for perfection."
2. I don't think you are worth making time for, and to keep you guessing about my interest level I will only ever send out ambiguous texts. However, I will still have plenty of time to connect with other women, while keeping your number in my cell phone.
3. "I want to find Snow White. What can I say? Guys are jerks."
4. I want to find my best friend, not a drinking buddy.
5. You are not (insert adjective) enough for me. (Thin, pretty, rich, etc.)
6. What is the big deal? You don't seem like you need a man.
7. I just don't have time....ever. And my life and work will always be more than important than your life and your work.
8. I want some one a lot more high maintenance, a lot less nice, and someone who is going to make me chase them.
9. I want someone a little less laid back. You act more like a guy, than a girl.
10. It is not you...actually it is you. Because I am not changing my ways or my impossible ideals about women.

As much as I make light of dating at times. It does hurt. I really find myself looking at the mirror in those dark moments and wishing I was more thinner/prettier/richer/etc. But I know in the end, I would hate myself for being something that I am not, and finding myself back in the poor relationship choices of the past. But it sucks. A total gut wrenching, heart tearing, and soul crushing pain. To be ready to love and find love are very different things. And one never guarantees the other.

Therefore, perhaps I need to remind myself of those qualities that make me a good, decent, and loving person. Some things to help me remember, that it is okay to be single when the alternative choices are so bad:

1. I love to laugh, and make others laugh.
2. I smile a lot. Even when I am hurting.
3. I will go out of my way to do something for someone else. Even if it costs me time, money, etc.
4. I am passionate about things in my life, and will fight for those causes I believe in.
5. I am intelligent. Some of it is a gift, and some of it is well earned.
6. My three loving and happy pets have taught me, that I can affect the people around me.
7. I care more about the small things, then the big things. A kind gesture carries more weight than fine dining or jewelry.
8. I have a forgiving heart.
9. I make sure that I let people know that they matter to me. Even strangers and dates.
10. I am moved by the beauty of the world as well as the pain in it.
11. I treat people the way I want to be treated, even if they don't always treat me right.

In the end, I am still single. But I am also a good person. And I love deeply and honestly. And God bless the man who some day will have the intelligence/courage/heart/etc. to recognize that. I hope he won't be allergic to cats, and will like plenty of red wine.

It's Not You....It's Just Me

“But even so, every now and then I would feel a violent stab of loneliness.  The very water I drink, the very air I breathe, would feel like long, sharp needles. The pages of a book in my hands would take on the threatening metallic gleam of razor blades. I could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at four o'clock in the morning.”

 -Haruki Murakami

I originally thought about titling this post as: "I Hate Holidays". But in truth, Christmas holidays are one of my favorites. It's just that at this time of year, the sense of singlehood...or more importantly, loneliness is more heightened. Every where you turn, the emphasis is on time spent with family and loved ones, and for me...it always ends up being a lot of time spent alone. 

I never really minded being alone, and sometimes it's just nice to spend a day or two with the phone turned off and curled up on the couch with a good book. However, it is this time of the year, when I often face the one demon that I still try desperately to shake off when I am alone...loneliness.

I want love and companionship, and someone to come home to. I want it with every fiber in my being. However truth be told, I have come to a time in my life where there are some things I am not willing to sacrifice. I am not so lonely, that I would intentionally enter into another relationship where I was made to be the one who always sacrificed. Yet, I continue to find myself frustrated at the lack of options available in this "hookup culture" we call dating, and wondering if I will be spending a lot more holidays...alone.

Perhaps it is me? That somewhere along the way, I became so fundamentally flawed, that I can no longer see or sense the negative vibe that sends out the signal, "Stay away!". Even when I go optimistically into the dating scene, I feel befuddled and discouraged. While I could easily read the signs when it came to stealing second base in softball, I feel like my wires are crossed when it comes to the opposite sex.

It doesn't help when we have also been spoon fed, the idea of "He's not into you". It still ends up being a game where you constantly second guess your moves, decisions, and sometimes conversations. Perhaps, that is also a universal sign that if you have to second guess, that it's God just telling you to back away....and quickly?

For example, I recently went out with a man who checked off a lot of boxes for me, when it came to things I want in a significant other: intelligent, articulate, kind, funny, tall, and a sports fanatic. Our first date clocked in at two hours...the second date lasted over five hours. And yet, I feel crummy. Is he really too busy right now to engage, or is his lack of follow through really the sign of, "He is just not into me"? I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but the other part of me...the one from a few years ago wants to rebel.

Not again! Not another man, who tells me through words and actions, that my life and my time will never be as precious or as important as his. Not another man....who wants to find "his best friend" but has no idea how you are supposed to make and keep friends.

I try to fight cynicism, and I try to give everyone an even shake. I just don't think I have a fair advantage anymore. Do I wait for the ideal, or recognize that if life is supposed to be like a romantic comedy, then I am going to end up the weird sidekick who helps the friend find a man, but never gets one herself.

Part of me, wants to just ask....why show me interest, get me excited about actually seeing you again, and then just make me feel like...crap when you withdraw. And why, should I feel like crap? Is it because this guy...has real potential..or the prospect of yet another disappointing encounter drives me to the point of nausea?

I want to throw in the towel, but I want to find him, too. I feel like Charlotte York who throws her hands up in the air and yells, "I have being dating for 15 years! I am exhausted! Where the hell is he?!"

My life has more social engagements these days, and I am thankful, that I have friends who are happy to see me, and make time in their busy lives for this single friend. But....it's hard. My constant friend at 10pm at night on a Wednesday is still loneliness. And it hurts....physically and spiritually. 

 Maybe it is not them that is the real problem, maybe, it is just me? And perhaps I have no idea how to change that? 

“The trouble is not that I am single and likely to stay single, 

but that I am lonely and likely to stay lonely.” 

-Charlotte Bronte

A Learning Process

"You’ll learn, as you get older, that rules are made to be broken. 

Be bold enough to live life on your terms, and never, ever apologize for it. 

Go against the grain, refuse to conform, take the road less traveled instead of the well-beaten path. Laugh in the face of adversity, and leap before you look. 

Dance as though EVERYBODY is watching. 

March to the beat of your own drummer. 

And stubbornly refuse to fit in.” 

-Mindy Hale

It has been a while since I have posted....a long while. Life has once again gotten the best of me. I apologize to the few loyal readers I have left, for such a long absence from this blog. I am still in a learning process of finding happiness, and discovering the best person I can be.

Life for the most part has been good. Albeit, there is still more things I need to do to find that moment of Zen..when my life can truly be defined as "great". But I have felt happier and more at peace with myself then any other point over the past few years. I have a good job, and a set of co-workers who are supportive and quickly becoming friends. My circle of friends has gotten smaller over the past couple of years, but it also has become more reliable. I have people in my life who love and support me, even if we go a few weeks without seeing each other. I no longer feel so bad for the person I am, or the flaws and scars that I carry. I no longer keep people in my life, who make me feel bad for who I am. 

While I still deal with loneliness and miss companionship from time to time, I am finding myself more content with the life that I am living. I have a home that I love, and neighbors who stop to say "hello" while looking out for each other. I find my weekends filled with sports, activities, and a lot of laughter. I think about my past less each day, and look forward to the future more.

Coming back home to Cleveland was the best choice I could have made for myself. I let my heart guide me, and did what was best for me. I am still trying to learn to apologize a lot less, and embrace the fact that I am imperfect. While I still wish to find love someday, I beat myself up a lot less about the fact that I have not found the "one". Quiet evenings at home, small gatherings with friends, and the love of pets have replaced my need to for a Friday night date. 

Life is a constant learning process. We make mistakes, and hopefully we chose to learn from them. Life is a journey and as long as we keep putting one foot in front of the other, eventually we will make progress. Admittedly, I have fallen and stumbled quite a bit, but I feel more surer of myself each day.

Someday, I hope to look back and say, "You did good." I really do hope that the choices I am making now for myself, will lead to those great days ahead. I have learn to have faith in myself, as much as I faith in life and the powers that be.