Cleveland Is My Om

Changing gears here. Time to actually put something positive and uplifting on my blog. And what better way to do that than talking about my beloved hometown...and yoga.

Yoga is one of the few fitness related activities that I was given permission to do by my orthopedic surgeon without restrictions. It is the only exercise I have been able to do these last months that have allowed me to work up a sweat, get my heart rate up, and feel stronger the next day as I revel in sore muscles. 

I heard about the Believe in CLE events through my friend Carolyn who invited me to tag along this summer as 2100 yogis practiced yoga in front of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It was blissful, it was challenging, and more importantly I felt connected to my city. It made me realize how far I had come from Charlotte, and how much I was finding the person I lost after being stuck in an abusive relationship for three years. 

I enjoyed the event so much, I got another friend to tag along and Carolyn, Cat, and I attended the AHA! Cleveland event as part of the Opening Ceremonies for the 2014 Gay Games. Seeing the sun set over the lake, rejoicing in a city that embraced athletes from different nationalities, religious affiliations, and sexual orientations, and sweating it out with two other Grunt Girls made me fall in love with my city even more during that happy evening. 

This time, I attended the Believe in CLE event by myself. However even without the support of close friends, the feeling of connection and energy was the same as I took the court of the Q Arena with Moondog and 600 other Cleveland yogis practicing their Downward Dog. While I would label myself as a recreational yogi given my inability to afford regular yoga sessions, I still felt like I belonged. 

I am facing another possible surgery on my knees, and part of me is hoping that I will be able to set aside some cash in 2015 to make it a regular practice as part of my recovery. More importantly, it has been through yoga that I have been able to let go of the stress, pain, and frustration I have been holding unto for so long. As I laid on the ground listening to my heart beat and fighting back tears, the gentle squeeze by the woman next to me who held my hand through our warm-ups, helped me to feel less alone and more part of the universe. While I need more of these events...and more of these soul comforting moments, our city needs them, too. We could all use a lot more "om" in our lives, and lot less destructive emotions that wither away at our sense of self-worth and our ability to connect with others around us.

That is why I am very glad I came back home. I needed to feel reconnected to my roots, in order to find out who I am today. I needed to find a place where I am loved for who I am. I have never been a trendy, flashy, or stand out girl...but in that way, I am very much a Clevelander. Will always be a Clevelander.

"Cleveland has never followed anyone else's rules, we made our own. That's because the city where rock was born knows a thing or two about passion, freedom and doing things your way. Sure there's been pressure. But under the right conditions, pressure can create diamonds. So if you like a bit of grit mixed with sophistication in a place where you can eat bucatini pasta served with beef jerky, dance to world music on the front lawn of a renowned art museum or do yoga in front of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame -- and all in a city where we don't take ourselves too seriously...We've never been flashy, trendy or perfect. And for that, you're welcome." -This Is Cleveland 

Setbacks and Future Implications

As the poet Robert Burns once said in the poem, To A Mouse: "The best laid schemes o' mice an' men, often go awry". This has certainly been the theme of my life, the past couple of weeks.

A couple of weeks ago, I got hit from behind in what has always been known as my "bad" knee during a touch football game. Going with my instinct, that this problematic knee should really be re-examined after another MCL sprain, I made an appointment with an orthopedic doctor. My instinct turned out to be correct, and after a quick MRI, it has been revealed that my ACL is torn as well as my lateral meniscus. In fact according to the orthopedic knee specialist, I probably have not known what "normal" has felt like on that knee in years.

The knee injury that I suffered in 2008 playing indoor soccer, was probably the injury that resulted in the initial tear. Unfortunately, I had a bad doctor in North Carolina who blew me off as a female athlete and I did not fight for a second opinion even though I went down in the game with a twist and "pop" that is often indicative of a ligament tear (non-contact ACL injuries are the most common injury in female athletes). Since then, my ACL has been tearing away from my tibia, and continues to weaken under the pressure, pivoting, and movement of playing sports (I have a complete subacute-chronic ACL tear).

While, the thought of surgery scares me and the fact that rehabilitation for an allograft reconstruction of the ACL will have a recover of 6-8 months, the idea of having to give up an active lifestyle permanently scares me more. When the doctor asked me if I wanted to still play sports, I didn't hesitate to say yes. In fact, a week ago over the phone my mother said, "Well maybe you just have to give up playing all these sports". The idea of given up something that has defined who I am for most of my life, brought me to tears. I chokingly responded, "I am too young at 33 to give up what has made me the happiest in my life".
 
And it is true. While I no longer win trophies, and I am certainly in the back of the pack in races, the joy of being able to call myself an athlete is a large part of how I identify myself to others. Bruised shins, stinky running shoes, multiple sticks of deodorant and body glide, endless pairs of mismatched socks, athletic apparel over dresses in my closet, finisher medals, various athletic equipment in my car trunk, and a myriad of coaching experiences; defines who I am. I would not be the same person without a life involving sports.

I said a few weeks ago, that part of my motivation to get into shape, would be to focus on helping motivate and encourage my friends in their own pursuits towards a happy and active life. It seems God is making sure I will follow through on that statement. Having this surgery means that I will not able to participate in any sort of athletic event for the next 6-8 months. Meaning my first race of the season (White Hot 5K), will also be my last race of the season.

But as much as this is a setback, it also has a lot of promise. The future implication of this surgery is that my leg and knee will be stronger than ever before. That I might be able to actually run without pain, and that I can participate in my favorite sports without feeling like my knee will give out or snap in half. It also means that with my rehabilitation program I will have an opportunity to focus and train hard on getting back into physical shape. That there will be no excuses and no procrastination.

So while I had planned to post about my training this summer, and my races. Instead, I ask that you walk with me through my journey of recovery as I will be blogging about coming back from a setback, and preparing myself to be a better (and stronger) athlete in 2015.