Give Me Wine

"Give me wine to wash me clean of the weather-stains of cares." -Ralph Waldo Emerson

To Teach

I have chosen a profession, voluntarily, that is difficult. That is not to say, that my profession is the only difficult or stressful profession out there, it is just that my profession is one in which what I put into the job, will never equal what I get back.

When I was younger, I dreamed of being a doctor. As a teenager I used to watch ER, thinking that would be me someday, saving someone's life. Making a difference. Doing good in the world. 

Then life happen. The stresses of college, a parent's drug addiction, and burn out left me rethinking my life's plan. I switched directions and was given an opportunity to coach at my alma mater. In addition, I began working at a group home for young girls. Their lives, stories, and hardships touched my heart. Too many times, I heard the wistful heartbreak of children behind a wall of anger, wishing that they had someone, anyone, who cared enough. It was those experiences, and the loss of one child under my care to a drunk driver, that changed my course.

I decided I wanted to teach. And for the first time in my life, got straight A's in school. I found an outlet for my passion, and an opportunity to teach other people to appreciate science.

Since that decision eight years ago, I have been put through the ringer. As have many in my profession. Tonight, our President will discuss the state of the nation. Again, he will call for changes in educational policy. But sadly, our education system has evolved to a place, where passionate teachers like me are leaving.

I do not want to leave my profession. But I currently work 50+ hours a week, with a take home pay that is equivalent to $7.25/hr after taxes. I go to school everyday with holes in my clothes, barely enough food in my lunch box, and a few hours of sleep. The media and right wing politicians would have you believe that teachers are well rested from 2 months of vacation every year, six figure salaries, and a work day that barely hits 8 hours.

In reality, we are beleaguered, personally attacked, and tired. No one bothers to mention the impact of a teacher on the life of the child, until we become human shields for our students against gunfire in our classroom.

This year, I have been dealing with a disturbed, unhappy woman who has made it her goal to see me lose my job, because I would hold her daughter accountable. A woman, who believes I am Satan personified, because I wouldn't give her daughter anything but the grade she deserves.

This woman does not live my life. Does not know the sacrifices in my own personal life, so that I can give her child and every child who walks into my classroom the education the need to be successful. Whether they become scientists or not. To her I have no worth, and to her, I do not even deserve the meager paycheck I receive.

What she and many others who look down on teaching is that my business is a human life. My product will take years to develop, and the impacts I have own my "clients" are things I will never see personally. I am the person who will teach the doctor who may one day save your life. I am the person, who may give a child enough hope to say no to a life of crime. I am the person, who may have given you the belief you needed in yourself, to pursue your dreams.

Yet, I get so little thanks for what I do. Many of my own friends and family, who are not in my profession, do not understand how incredibly rewarding, yet how frustrating my job can be. How much I feel like a success and a failure all in one. How I battle daily to stick with my decision to teach, when I have pennies to my name.

Last week, I sat in a meeting with other teachers with the parents of a child, who I fought to get tested for a learning disability. With a 29-page report in hand, we have the correct diagnosis for this student, and more importantly, she has the documentation she needs to help her be successful as she moves forward. I think about this child daily. I think about what this will do for her, and how this will effect her. She has a fighting chance, and a lot of people who care for her.

Her father, with tears in his eyes, hugged me and every teacher on the way out of the meeting. And with sincerity in his voice said, "Thank you for what you do". It is those moments, that I live for. The reason why I decided to teach. Why I keep going, even when I went home that night to an empty freezer.

You see, all that I want in my life, is to do what I love. But more importantly, to do it and be able to live my own life. To have money in the bank, and to have a sense of financial security. I want a livable wage. I want to know that I can support myself, and the people I love, doing the job that I love. What has become apparent, is that teaching is a field where only a few privileged individuals can say that with certainty.

We live in a world of materialism, where we will gladly give professional athletes millions of dollars, but will throw our heads back and howl at the idea of giving men and women who provide us with a service, a better quality of life. The teachers, nurses, police, and firemen who everyday make sacrifices, and do it with glad hearts.

And yes, I know that not every teacher decided to be a teacher because they love to teach. Some are in it for the wrong reasons. And sadly, remain in the profession for the wrong reasons. I have taught along side those people. It frustrates me too.

But we need to do more for our teachers, who are in it for the right reasons. We need to keep those people in the profession, and help ensure them the job and financial security they need, and deserve. There is a huge correlation between what we are doing to our educators, and how our children are performing in schools. The best countries in the world for education, are the countries which treat their teachers as professionals and given them the salary and security which reflects that.

We need to stop punishing teachers for not being able to reach every child. I often have a year, sometimes less, to effect a child who has 15 or 16 years of life with a parent who could care less about them. Instead, we need reward teachers for simply changing one life for the better. One life, one person, who may be the difference to the world.

As stated in the Talmud, "Whoever destroys a soul, it is considered as if he destroyed an entire world. And whoever saves a life, it is considered as if he saved the world entire". We need to remember that, and give our teachers what they need to survive, so that they, and I, can just teach.

Has It Really Changed?

I have always known, I wanted a family. To be married and have children. Not in the same sort of way that some little girls have their dream dresses and wedding cake already picked out. More like deep in my bones. When I see older couples together, or see a young couple with their kid. I feel it. 

For a while, it got too hard going to weddings and baby showers. Feeling like I was missing out. 

Now, I just feel too exhausted too care. It is not that I no longer want it, it is just that it has become too much work. The road from first date to wedding altar has gotten too long. I don't even feel thrilled getting ready for a date anymore. No one has been worth the effort of late. I am sure, some have felt the same way about me.

And it doesn't help when I try to voice how I feel, I get those looks from friends. The wave of their hand and the cliche, "Oh it will happen when you are least looking". It makes me want to scream.

It is more than that. I just feel as though I am done. Like the person I was supposed to have met in my life, has come and gone. Or even worse, they never existed. I just can't do it anymore....put myself out there.

It has become too much.

Have I really become that cynical?

Burnout

Stress is a common theme in every adult's life. Commitments to family, deadlines at work, bills to pay, and other various threads seem to pull us in a thousand different directions. I feel as though I have been burning the candle at both ends for far too long. I find myself tired, all the time, and I still have to schedule in sleep against the million other things I need to accomplish. 

Is there a point, where you go beyond burnout? Most people maintain stress levels by scheduling in date nights, workouts, vacations, etc. to keep from feeling the burnout. I find myself in a situation where burnout is part of my life, because financial resources do not allow me the ability to schedule those things in. I don't have time, and I certainly don't have the money, to do things for myself. There is always work. There is always school.  There is always something else that demands my time and attention. Lately, it has been family stuff. 

My sister, who never cared for my opinion anyways, is dating a man, who for very similar reasons behaves like the ex who hurt me so bad. It is hard to say nothing, when deep down you want to shake her awake, and punch him in the face. But having gone down that road myself, I know that the only thing I can do is say nothing. She has to figure it out herself. She has find her own breaking point, where enough becomes enough. Even if it hurts to watch her go through it. 

I keep telling myself in a couple of weeks, when this major assignment has been turned in, and I have gotten yet another prep in hand, I can take some time for myself. Begin training again....spend time getting my body back in shape. Find a way to eat healthy on a dime. Go for a walk. Read that book that has been on my shelf for weeks. Go out with friends.

I keep telling myself that burnout is not permanent. That somehow and someday, things will work out. I will have the job security I crave. My degree in hand. Financial stability. Someday, I will get take that vacation, that everyone always talks about, but that I have not been on in over 12 years. 

Someday. In the meantime, it's time for another cup of coffee. 

Invincible Summer

Things That Make Me Happy

milk tea

springtime in Northeast Ohio

daydreaming on long runs

the Cleveland cultural scene (especially the art museum)

grocery shopping at the West Side Market

ocean waves

family time

the unconditional love of pets

adventures with friends, who have remained true

lazy Sundays in bed

Cleveland sports, especially when we are winning

travel adventures

the friendships I have made, near and far

coming home to Cleveland

having my own place again

Goodbye and Hello

Portabella Mushroom and Goat Cheese Flautas

My sister, although I do not see much of her these days, did give me a cookbook for Christmas. Her being the world traveler, and me being a junior adventurer myself, she wanted to give me something that had an international flair. Of course I put the cookbook through a test run by selecting a fairly simple recipe (plus I adore mint chutney), and one were the photographers gave you the impression that if you could cook like Padma, then you might end up looking like Padma.

I decided to have a go at the recipe for Portabella mushroom and goat cheese flautas with mint and date chutney. I always love chutney (on everything) and it gave me a chance to see if I could make the recipe in my small galley kitchen. The recipe was not only delicious and easy to execute, but using a friend as a guinea pig, she also declared the dish to be tasty. (Since making it a second time, I have already tweaked the recipe, for some additional flavor not originally stated in the recipe.)

To make the filling for the flautas you needed to sauté in a saucepan on medium heat for about 5 minutes, until brown, the following ingredients:

2 tbsp. extra virgin olive oil

1/2 cup diced shallots

1 small container (8 oz.) baby Portabella mushrooms, diced

1 tbsp. minced garlic (I use the jar stuff)

1/2 tsp. ground red pepper

1 tsp. dried oregano

1 tsp. dried dill

1 tsp. dried thyme 

pinch of sea salt, to taste

Once the mushrooms and shallots are browned, in a medium sized mixing bowl, add the cooled mushroom mixture with the following ingredients and stir until you have a paste-like mixture.

5 oz. low-fat ricotta cheese

5 oz. low-fat Feta cheese (depending on your love of Feta you could add more cheese)

Once you have completed the mushroom and cheese mixture you want to spoon the mixture (about 2 spoonfuls per flauta) unto ten 8-inch flour tortillas (make sure they are room temperature because they separate easier). Carefully spoon the mixture unto one side and fold the ends together before rolling them (while gently pressing down) towards the opposite end. (The cookbook suggests using toothpicks parallel to your fold to secure the flauta to keep it from unrolling, but I didn't have any, and didn't really have a problem cooking them.)

In a large saucepan, heat about 1 inch of oil (I used light canola oil) using medium heat. (To check the temperature, just throw in a piece of shallot to see if it starts bubbling.) Putting two flautas in at a time, use tongs to fry the flautas until their just golden brown on each side (about 60 seconds each). Remove from the saucepan, and set them on paper towels to soak up the excess oil while they cool down.

While the flautas are cooling, or after you have removed the mushrooms from the heat to cool (which is what I did), you need to make the mint and date chutney. You can use a blender or a food processor (which is what I used) to make this delicious and colorful sauce. (My food processor was a gift from an ex-boyfriend for Christmas who had dreams of me being his domestic servant. We broke up, I have my food processor to cook what I want, and he married someone who is happy to be a housewife). 

To make the date and mint chutney, you will need to add the following ingredients to the food processor.

2 cups fresh mint leaves (2 packages if you buy it in the produce section) 

2 tbsp. fresh squeezed lemon (half a lemon)

1 Serrano chile, with the seeds removed and rinsed

5 dates 

1/4 cup cold water (Add additional water or a little bit of extra virgin olive oil to get it to the right consistency, but not too much or it will be runny.)

Once you are finished, on a cutting board, use a knife to cut the flautas in half diagonally and put on a serving plate. (They taste best when warm, I reheat leftovers in the oven and the extra chutney can keep for a couple days in the fridge). If you are like me, you may also end up doing this recipe under direct supervision from someone who may impatiently demand a sample or two himself. 

The recipe makes a good appetizer for 4 people, and it is a dish which is relatively inexpensive to make. Purchasing the mint leaves ($3/package), Portabella mushrooms ($3/container), flour tortillas ($2/package of 10), Feta cheese ($5/6 oz. container), ricotta cheese ($3/10 oz. container), Serrano chiles ($1/5 chiles), dates ($4/container), and lemons ($1/2 lemons) left me with about $25 grocery bill with enough ingredients remaining to make it a second time (had to purchase more mushrooms, mint, and Feta cheese). 

In the summer, mint is easily available or you can grow it yourself, (just remember they have runners, and need to be in a separate pot from your other herbs), which means you can reduce the grocery bill (we also grow our own chile peppers in the summer too). 

If you end up making this recipe yourself, let me know how it fares. Bon Appétit!