Pre Season

I usually find myself so busy with work and school, that I really never have a preseason. In other words, any training for events occurs in-season or not at all. There is no focus on nutrition, I am just trying to find time to have three meals a day on a Ramen noodle budget. There are no training logs or calculations of my VO2, just chi-square tests for a school paper or a grading book to update. 

It is tough. I am a perfectionist, and I hate performing terribly. I want prefection and to improve my health, while being more competitive, but I can't ever seem to muster the time, energy, or money to do so. There are no protein shakes, fancy supplements, or organic food in my refrigerator. I am a great perfectionist, and a terrible planner.

However, I am going to try hard to have more of a preseason this year. To actually do some training before an actual event. I scraped together some cash and got my bike tuned up, replaced the bike pump was sisters stole, and put air in my tires. The big news, is that my bike is on the trainer, and I am going to try and actually use the trainer this year, instead of it being something collecting dust, that I trip over. No excuses, because it is free and available. 

While I will always be at the back of the pack in any race due to things I cannot control, there are some things I can better control. And that is the free stuff....getting outside and running, using the workout room at work, and riding my bike. Even if it is doing it alone. 

I am hoping to make a habit out of a habit I should have had long ago...committing myself to having a solid preseason. 

Pasta Puscanetta

My friends were so impressed with my pasta sauce that I made on Valentine's Day that I had several requests for the recipe. I will say that it is one of the easiest Italian dishes I have ever made, and definitely a quick and delicious sauce.

To make the sauce you will need the following:

• 8 vine riped tomatoes, chopped
• 5 anchovies, drained and rinsed
• 1/2 cup olive oil
• 4 cloves garlic, minced
• 3 tbsp. tomato-basil paste 
• 25 Greek olives (pitted), coarsely chopped
• 3 tbsp. capers 
• 1/2 tsp. crushed red pepper flakes
• salt and pepper, to taste

The preparation for the sauce took about 20 minutes, and the cooking time is approximately 20 minutes for a total of 40 minutes.

To prepare the sauce you need to:

1. Saute minced garlic in a saucepan with olive oil on medium-low heat until the garlic is golden-brown in color.
2. In a food processor, combine chopped tomatoes with anchovies and pulse until you have a "coarse" sauce. (You want to texture to your sauce, rather than something that looks like a smoothie.)
3. Combine tomato-anchovy sauce into saucepan with garlic and reduce to low heat. Cook for approximately 10 minutes, stirring occassionally.
4. Add olives, capers, and crushed red pepper to the sauce. Cook for another 10 minutes on low heat making sure to stir occassionally.
5. Spoon sauce over cooked pasta of your choice. (You will need about half the regular amount of sauce as you would need if you used marinara sauce). 

I paired my pasta dish with a mixed green salad with homemade salad dressing (dark cherry balsamic vinegar and olive oil). Of course the dish made an ever better accompaniment to the dessert my friend brought to dinner: tiramisu from Corbo's Bakery in Little Italy.

Side Note: I will mention that Pasta Puscanetta is Italian for "pasta of the whore" and it was a southern Italian dish invited sometime in the mid-20th century. Depending on who you talk to, it was made by Sandro Petti, a famous restauranteur in Italy in 1950's, for late night guests who were hungry. When he informed his guests that he was low on ingredients he customers replied, "Facci una puttanata qualsiasi". Which translates to, "Any kind of garbage will do." The word puttanata (worthless/garbage) is derived from the word puttana which means "whore". Other stories, claim the pasta was a quick dish made for whores in the red light district who were hungry between customers, and therefore is how it got it named. Either way, "whore's pasta" is a nice way to celebrate Valentine's Day, non credi?

Esther

Sweetness of Friendship

"In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed." -Kahlil Gibran

This time of year is always tough for single people. First we have the Christmas holidays were we are bombarded by questions from relatives at dinners about our single status, inundated with cheesy jewelry commercials, and forgotten by our married friends who have special evenings planned with spouses. Then we head into New Years where we find ourselves alone at midnight with no kiss and finally Valentine's Day where the world treats us like we have leprosy.

Needless to say, it is the time of year that I dread. While I wish to find love, it is not so much the lack of love that is hard to bear. It is the idea, that we still live in a world where the idea of a single woman falls into two categories: the woman who become cat ladies and the spurned bitter women who fucked up their chance at love. I find myself at times torn between the adulation of being single and the pitying looks of people who can't quite figure out why I am alone.

This year, I expected to spend Valentine's alone. Sipping wine and watching a marathon of Downton Abbey. Instead, I found out that not only did other friends detest the holiday, but actually wanted to do something not focused on the commercial aspect of the holiday.

So for the first time ever, I hosted a dinner consisting of myself, another single girlfriend, and my married friends from college. I cooked dinner, my friends brought dessert, and we drank wine. And it was one of the moments, where I just wished I could bottle the moment. I stood in the kitchen washing dishes with the sound of laughter trinkling from the other room, and found myself thanking God with tears in my eyes for such good friends.

You see, my friends have kept me sane. They bring me back from the brink, and remind me daily that while I have not yet found love, I am capable of loving. Despite what has happened in the past, I would not trade that
night or the friends in my life for anything. I would trade any man in the world, for what I was feeling in that moment.....unconditional love.

How many of us wait a life time for it? How many of us spend too many wasted years searching for it, and not realizing that the love we are looking for is already present in our lives?

I am trying harder in my life to savor the sweetness of friendship, and to find contentment in the hours spent with friends. To look forward to conversations about crazy family members over beer, or the joy of trying out a new recipe for friends coming over for dinner.

"Close friends contribute to our personal growth. They also contribute to our personal pleasure, making the music sound sweeter, the wine taste richer, the laughter ring louder because they are there." -Judith Voirst

Fat Girl Running

It is the start of training season, when I need to begin deciding what events I can physically, and more importantly financially handle. As much as I was badly out of practice, I completed my first triathlon in 4 years last summer, and forgot how much I enjoy the swim. Still hate the bike, and the running is okay, but I still love the swim.

I think I am going to sign up for two half marathon this year (spring and fall), and focus the rest of my summer on completing a few triathlons (Munroe Falls, Vermillion, and Fairport), and maybe adding a few smaller races here and there. Which means, the search for work out gear also begins again.

However, at my height of 6' and being approximately 250lbs, I have a terrible time finding athletic apparel for training. In an age, where obesity is an issue, where we are trying to promote better health, you think that there would be more options available for women like me. Granted more websites are carrying tall sizes today, but not much has changed. Trying to be an athletic women who simply has never fallen into the average size category, can be a difficult and sometimes tearful process.

I spent over two hours tonight searching the Internet for athletic apparel, and once again closed my browser feeling deflated. Here is the problem with ordering athletic apparel when you are 6' and wear a size 20:

1. There is not a lot of options. Go to the popular websites: Gap, Athleta, Old Navy, Dicks Sporting Goods, etc. Now if you can find it, click on "tall", and instantly your choices are narrowed from 50 to 5. And your options are a medium in pea-green. Not to mention you are paying more for being tall.

2. There are at times no options. Go to Under Armour. A company that prides itself on clothing college athletes, including female basketball players. Look for the tall section....oh that is right they have no tall section. My discussion with customer service has included "well order a size up". Ordering a size up means it gets wider, not necessarily longer. I spent my half marathon in an Under Amour tank top that I had to safety pin to my shorts, because it kept riding up (too short) and I had ordered it in the largest size.

3. Everything is built in for a B cup. Half of the things I do find, are designed with a "shelf bra". The nightmare of any full figured girl. What lifts and separates our smaller counterparts, smashes our breasts and makes breathing difficult. I want to purchase something I don't want to modify or have to cut out.

4. There are literally no athletic apparel clothing companies specifically designed for tall women. Big and tall men, yes. Petite women, yes. Size 0 athletes, yes. Fat girls like me who are also tall, no. 

This inevitably means that my closet is full of two types of athletic apparel: men's clothing which doesn't fit quite right or sweatpants and over-sized t-shirts. You don't feel really athletic when you are running in something that I would prefer to lounge in the couch sipping a glass of wine wearing.

The search for clothing that can help me commit to being healthy and slimming down, usually ends up as a frustrating and unsuccessful experience. A great example, is the nightmare of trying to purchase the new uniform from my team last summer, and knowing that I would never wedge my frame into the same skintight material that my thinner teammates so easily put on. I remember sitting on the couch as everyone "ohhhed" and "ahhhed" over the material and the fit, while I was breaking out in cold sweat terrified that I would need Crisco to get into it. Not to mention, the fear of being my size and wearing something like that in public. In the end, I had to settle for a men's dri-fit shirt and stayed in the back during team photos.

In fact, it was such a stressful and embarrassing situation at times trying to explain to the people on my team that I just want to "fit" in, by being able to wear the same thing, that I even had contemplated just quitting. While I can work my ass off, I know I will always be bigger (I have a large frame), and I simply can't wish away my height. I have had to learn to live with my height and size, but I feel depressed knowing I live in a world where plus sized and tall models don't exist in athletic catalogs.

The lack of reality we have in our fashion world, sadly, has also been maintained in the fitness world. It is just that no one is talking about it as much. We continue to hold an unrealistic expectation that all athletic women are size 4-8, approximately 5'4''-5'7'', and B-C cup.

You often feel like life is trying to tell you that you aren't thin enough to be healthy, because "Hey, we don't make work out gear for fat people". Sweatpants with elastic waistbands fit perfectly for people like me....couch potatoes. Spandex and polyester blends are designed for size 4.

(Even on the dating sites, countless men who brag about working out, cross fit, and endurance events maintain they do not want "BBW". Because only thin girls look good working out, and "BBW" women are just lying about being active.)

If the idea is that clothing helps to build confidence. The same thing should be said about our athletic apparel. Maybe women like me, wouldn't always feel so discouraged to get out and be fit, and stay fit, if we could actually find the right tools (clothes) to help us feel more confident. Clothing that not only cover us, but supports us.

I am tired of feeling smashed and constrained, running and pulling down shirts, and feeling like a whale in running shorts that ride up. I want to find apparel that is comfortable, long enough in the torso, and built to support women like me who want to be healthy, and maybe look good, too.

I want to be a comfortable and fashionable, fat girl running.

Just Focus

The last couple of months I have been trying to push through the challenges in my life. More specifically, trying to find a balance between work, school, and actually having a personal life. With a major project that loomed in my face, I found it hard to find time to sleep, let alone find time to unwind. Thankfully, the project is complete, but it won't get easier as I approach my dissertation period.

We forget, and I am certainly guilty of this too, of taking time out in our life to enjoy the simple things. To do things that are not wrapped around work or other life stressors. I did a couple of things the last two weeks, that helped me feel a little more sane and a little more refreshed. First, I went out to lunch with a friend after a day of antique shopping (her buying and me just looking). Second, I had a friend over and we (I) cooked dinner, drank wine, and watched movies in our sweatpants. Being able to connect with others and laugh, just helped me feel more satisfied. Granted, having a couple of bottles of red wine, while laughing with friends is instant therapy for anyone, it helps me feel less alone.

Some people, enjoy and look forward to time alone. While, I like living by myself, I have always been a people person. I thrive on company, and love having opportunities to go out, do things, and more importantly interact with people. I have never been the kind of person who requires anything more than just being around a friend or two. It is just hard to ask sometimes, to ask for connection with others, and not feel either needy or clingy.

It definitely is a lot harder to make and maintain friends in your 30's, then in your 20's. I have been back in Ohio for almost two years, and a lot of has happened to me in that time period. My inner circle of close friends, has certainly gotten smaller, and I still struggle to find ways to fill in the holes left in my life.

Engaging in activities that allow you to interact and meet new people often requires both time and money (something I have little of), I really do try hard to find ways to feel connected to others. Whether, it is stopping at our local bar (Larry's) to have dinner or heading over to a friend's house to work on sewing headpieces for a ballet performance for her son, I strive to fill the loneliness with laughter. In many ways, I still struggle to come completely out of the depression I was in after leaving Charlotte. 

On top of this, I struggle a lot with weight, and I am still trying to find a way to motivate myself. To motivate myself to begin, but also maintain a regular workout schedule. More importantly, I need to make time to work out. I just have never been a gym rat, and I hate feeling like an elephant plodding away on a treadmill.
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Granted these are just excuses I use to keep myself from just getting out there. However when you never look good in work out clothes, and you feel your size every time you look in the mirror, doing it alone can be terrifying. While I use laughter to guard my insecurity, I still feel like a failure to maintain weight (despite a good, healthy diet) when I stand next to my thinner friends.

And trust me, I have wonderful people in my life that love me no matter what size I am, but you feel it. Every time, you realize that there are certain clothes you cannot fit into and other clothes that you should never wear. Every time you enter a race, and realize that it is the fat people who finish last (because you are one of the last).

My goal for this year, and I never did make a New Year's resolution, is to just focus. Focus on me. Focus on moving forward. Focus on doing more things for myself. Focus on finding a clearer pathway towards lasting happiness. Focus on embracing the fact that I am a good and loving person. Focus on just being the best person I can be.

And of course focus, on having time to have a glass of wine to unwind.