Finding Motivation

I have found myself getting back into the old "habit" of working out on a regular basis again. And as before, I still find myself struggling to find motivation to stick with the habit. I have blogged in the past about my awkwardness at working out, the slow trudge of heaving my larger body down a sidewalk or on a treadmill, and the feeling of not feeling so great when I am done working out.

People claim to feel an increase of energy when they work out, feeling elated, and just in general...feeling good. For me, when I am done exercising all I want to do is nap, and the last thing I feel is elated. Relieved is more like it. My energy levels have not significantly improved, that is also because I tend to burn the candle at both ends.

So the question is: How do you find motivation when the traditional pathways do not work? I don't feel motivated to exercise because it makes me feel good. I don't feel motivated to workout, because working out and weight loss is always an uphill struggle. I don't feel motivated to flaunt my weight loss, because the weight is slow to come off and always eager to come back. I don't feel motivated to cut portions or diet, because I am always dieting, watching what I eat, and trying to moderate proportions.

So what is a person to do?

Lately, I have been gaining motivation from the blinking lights on my FitBit, anticipating the flashing, vibrating celebration when I meet my goal of 15,000 steps for the day. The attempt to gain the top of the friend list for the number of steps for the week has also been motivating.

I have also found motivation through committing to a couple of races (Lakewood Ambulance Chase and Kent White Hot 5K) which are coming up in April and early May. While I cannot commit to longer distances this year because of my course work, it is a motivating not to want to be the last person to cross the finish line...again.

For me, the motivation has always been the strongest when finding support from friends. I think we get so wrapped up in our own struggles, that we forget how much an encouraging word or pat on the back means to someone. Look at this way, when you go to a marathon and you see the struggle, pain, and despair on a runner who is struggling to put one foot in front of the other, nothing changes that look of despair faster into a beaming smile then the words of encouragement shouted (or sometimes held up through signs) by spectators. I know for me, that it has always been the encouragement, the kind words from others, that have kept me going when I have wanted to throw in the towel.

Perhaps my motivation shouldn't be the need to seek out encouragement from friends, but rather the motivation that is found from encouraging my own friends who struggle through their own health journeys. I believe motivation can be found through finding ways to bring us all together to race (and celebrate). For example, my first 5K of the season (White Hot 5K) will feature several friends on different parts of their journeys. One will most likely finish in the top of our age group, and another like me, struggles to find the motivation to stay fit. Either way, it is the smiles of those friends and the look of pride on their face when they cross the finish line that gets me to the starting line in the first place.

What is your motivation?

Life Is...

Life is definitely a battle some days. Even when everything seems like it is going alright, something turns up to remind you that nothing is ever easy. Lately, it has been the endless amount of work I have been struggling to get through (work and school stuff). I never seem like I can get ahead of the paper work, and its been resulting in a lot of headaches. I haven't had so many migraines in a number of years, but I have a feeling it is the lack of regular sleep (3-4 hours/night) and the added stress of approaching deadlines at work and school.

I think the hardest thing, is that I have had nothing to help me recharge. This is the time of year where you usually plan a vacation or a get away. While that is not fiscally possible at this point, I am trying to find non-expensive ways to help recharge the batteries. I am trying to sign up for a few inexpensive and short distance races (Lakewood Ambulance Chase in May), and trying to budget time to go out. This past weekend, I went out Friday in Lakewood and Saturday in Akron. While both of them resulted me being home by midnight, I was so happy to go out, socialize, and enjoy a couple of beers. While I love my apartment and living alone, I am still struggling with the occasional feelings of loneliness (especially late at night). I always have felt better when I am around others.

I am also glad I bit the bullet and splurged on my FitBit, the motivation and the flashing lights gives me something to work toward. While I still hate working out, and never feel "great" after I am done, I am glad that I am forcing myself to budget time into my schedule for it. Getting in shape has never been for anyone, but me. While I do believe that my rejections in the dating world have something to do with my weight, I am not going to use the excuse of weight to be the reason why I hide from the world either. I want to feel good in my own skin, and not worry so much about how people perceive the outer me. And frankly, I want nothing to do with the men who only carry about the outer appearance (been there and done that).

Honestly, life has shown me that the things I want are not always possible, or at least something I may have to work hard for. I cannot begin to exactly say how extremely disappointed and frustrated I have been with dating, especially this past year. I think I may turn 33 this year, with the towel completely thrown in. I think I am going to exchange dating with racing. At least I can look at the back sides of the male runners, and know that I didn't have to shave my legs, put on make-up, or wear an uncomfortable outfit for the free view. They even take their shirts off sometimes too.

Either way, to put it bluntly, life is...life. It is not bad, it is not great, but I can't really complain too much. I am alive and relatively healthy...just burnt out. I need a girls night, a couple of beers, and maybe some baseball games this spring to put me into better sorts. I also need a few races to get my heart racing again.

Who's in?

Fitbit....and More!

Well folks, I purchased a Fitbit, and it came in the mail in less than a week (and with free shipping). While the price tag is reasonable, it definitely is a purchase I can't quite afford. However...I need the motivation (and I used my tax refund). And so far, I am really glad I took this splurge and bought it. Not only am I obsessed with constantly checking the pretty graphs (science nerd), but it gives me the right amount of motivation without being too cheesy.

I have also been hitting the workout room at work, and have found a few other co-workers who are also interested in getting back into shape. While my work "girlfriend" has been a great confidant these past few months, our ideas of working out definitely differ. She puts on lipstick before climbing on the treadmill and spends most of the workout texting/talking on the phone. While she has the ability to do so (probably a size 2 after having three kids), it is the last thing I need to be doing when I work out. I am the kind of gym person who is content in my oversized shirt, capri leggings, and headphones in my ear. I sweat, I grunt, and the last thing I want to do is text or talk. But having someone who is willing to workout with me is something I need. And most importantly, she isn't judging me. Plus, she has the same idea as me...work hard (me probably harder than her), and then head to Larry's for a drink.

But I also enjoy the "quiet" workouts. When I dropped to 180lbs almost seven years ago, I was heading to my work's workout room at night, when it was just me and the night janitors. I could get in a good solid 2 hour workout, and no one bothered me. I got lucky, and Friday after work, found myself the only person in the workout room. I forgot about the freedom that comes with sweating on a weight machine, with no one talking in your ear besides your own conscience.

However, I need the motivation of a second person. I always want to seek out my more active and fit friends, but I am always fearful that my size and slowness hinders their own workouts. To put it point blank, I feel guilty. But then again, I need the push. I need to find someone, who like me, is okay with grunting on the treadmill side-by-side without talking.

And there is the pool....I haven't been in one in over three years. I miss it. I feel the itch to be in the water, and I am not sure how to get there. I need to be in a pool, but I need to find one that is affordable. I always felt more comfortable in the water. While I was always one of the slowest, I never got tired of swimming lap after lap. That was evident in the Munroe Falls triathlon last summer. I went into a swim, with no training and without actually having swam in two years, and I not only loved it, but it felt good. I felt like I could have kept going. I would have preferred it to the bike...or the run.

My hope is that with the purchase of the Fitbit and my semi-return to the Paleo Diet (on a Ramen noodle budget), I can begin a consistent pattern of an active lifestyle.

Pre Season

I usually find myself so busy with work and school, that I really never have a preseason. In other words, any training for events occurs in-season or not at all. There is no focus on nutrition, I am just trying to find time to have three meals a day on a Ramen noodle budget. There are no training logs or calculations of my VO2, just chi-square tests for a school paper or a grading book to update. 

It is tough. I am a perfectionist, and I hate performing terribly. I want prefection and to improve my health, while being more competitive, but I can't ever seem to muster the time, energy, or money to do so. There are no protein shakes, fancy supplements, or organic food in my refrigerator. I am a great perfectionist, and a terrible planner.

However, I am going to try hard to have more of a preseason this year. To actually do some training before an actual event. I scraped together some cash and got my bike tuned up, replaced the bike pump was sisters stole, and put air in my tires. The big news, is that my bike is on the trainer, and I am going to try and actually use the trainer this year, instead of it being something collecting dust, that I trip over. No excuses, because it is free and available. 

While I will always be at the back of the pack in any race due to things I cannot control, there are some things I can better control. And that is the free stuff....getting outside and running, using the workout room at work, and riding my bike. Even if it is doing it alone. 

I am hoping to make a habit out of a habit I should have had long ago...committing myself to having a solid preseason. 

Pasta Puscanetta

My friends were so impressed with my pasta sauce that I made on Valentine's Day that I had several requests for the recipe. I will say that it is one of the easiest Italian dishes I have ever made, and definitely a quick and delicious sauce.

To make the sauce you will need the following:

• 8 vine riped tomatoes, chopped
• 5 anchovies, drained and rinsed
• 1/2 cup olive oil
• 4 cloves garlic, minced
• 3 tbsp. tomato-basil paste 
• 25 Greek olives (pitted), coarsely chopped
• 3 tbsp. capers 
• 1/2 tsp. crushed red pepper flakes
• salt and pepper, to taste

The preparation for the sauce took about 20 minutes, and the cooking time is approximately 20 minutes for a total of 40 minutes.

To prepare the sauce you need to:

1. Saute minced garlic in a saucepan with olive oil on medium-low heat until the garlic is golden-brown in color.
2. In a food processor, combine chopped tomatoes with anchovies and pulse until you have a "coarse" sauce. (You want to texture to your sauce, rather than something that looks like a smoothie.)
3. Combine tomato-anchovy sauce into saucepan with garlic and reduce to low heat. Cook for approximately 10 minutes, stirring occassionally.
4. Add olives, capers, and crushed red pepper to the sauce. Cook for another 10 minutes on low heat making sure to stir occassionally.
5. Spoon sauce over cooked pasta of your choice. (You will need about half the regular amount of sauce as you would need if you used marinara sauce). 

I paired my pasta dish with a mixed green salad with homemade salad dressing (dark cherry balsamic vinegar and olive oil). Of course the dish made an ever better accompaniment to the dessert my friend brought to dinner: tiramisu from Corbo's Bakery in Little Italy.

Side Note: I will mention that Pasta Puscanetta is Italian for "pasta of the whore" and it was a southern Italian dish invited sometime in the mid-20th century. Depending on who you talk to, it was made by Sandro Petti, a famous restauranteur in Italy in 1950's, for late night guests who were hungry. When he informed his guests that he was low on ingredients he customers replied, "Facci una puttanata qualsiasi". Which translates to, "Any kind of garbage will do." The word puttanata (worthless/garbage) is derived from the word puttana which means "whore". Other stories, claim the pasta was a quick dish made for whores in the red light district who were hungry between customers, and therefore is how it got it named. Either way, "whore's pasta" is a nice way to celebrate Valentine's Day, non credi?

Esther

Sweetness of Friendship

"In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed." -Kahlil Gibran

This time of year is always tough for single people. First we have the Christmas holidays were we are bombarded by questions from relatives at dinners about our single status, inundated with cheesy jewelry commercials, and forgotten by our married friends who have special evenings planned with spouses. Then we head into New Years where we find ourselves alone at midnight with no kiss and finally Valentine's Day where the world treats us like we have leprosy.

Needless to say, it is the time of year that I dread. While I wish to find love, it is not so much the lack of love that is hard to bear. It is the idea, that we still live in a world where the idea of a single woman falls into two categories: the woman who become cat ladies and the spurned bitter women who fucked up their chance at love. I find myself at times torn between the adulation of being single and the pitying looks of people who can't quite figure out why I am alone.

This year, I expected to spend Valentine's alone. Sipping wine and watching a marathon of Downton Abbey. Instead, I found out that not only did other friends detest the holiday, but actually wanted to do something not focused on the commercial aspect of the holiday.

So for the first time ever, I hosted a dinner consisting of myself, another single girlfriend, and my married friends from college. I cooked dinner, my friends brought dessert, and we drank wine. And it was one of the moments, where I just wished I could bottle the moment. I stood in the kitchen washing dishes with the sound of laughter trinkling from the other room, and found myself thanking God with tears in my eyes for such good friends.

You see, my friends have kept me sane. They bring me back from the brink, and remind me daily that while I have not yet found love, I am capable of loving. Despite what has happened in the past, I would not trade that
night or the friends in my life for anything. I would trade any man in the world, for what I was feeling in that moment.....unconditional love.

How many of us wait a life time for it? How many of us spend too many wasted years searching for it, and not realizing that the love we are looking for is already present in our lives?

I am trying harder in my life to savor the sweetness of friendship, and to find contentment in the hours spent with friends. To look forward to conversations about crazy family members over beer, or the joy of trying out a new recipe for friends coming over for dinner.

"Close friends contribute to our personal growth. They also contribute to our personal pleasure, making the music sound sweeter, the wine taste richer, the laughter ring louder because they are there." -Judith Voirst