“But even so, every now and then I would feel a violent stab of loneliness. The very water I drink, the very air I breathe, would feel like long, sharp needles. The pages of a book in my hands would take on the threatening metallic gleam of razor blades. I could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at four o'clock in the morning.”
-Haruki Murakami
I originally thought about titling this post as: "I Hate Holidays". But in truth, Christmas holidays are one of my favorites. It's just that at this time of year, the sense of singlehood...or more importantly, loneliness is more heightened. Every where you turn, the emphasis is on time spent with family and loved ones, and for me...it always ends up being a lot of time spent alone.
I never really minded being alone, and sometimes it's just nice to spend a day or two with the phone turned off and curled up on the couch with a good book. However, it is this time of the year, when I often face the one demon that I still try desperately to shake off when I am alone...loneliness.
I want love and companionship, and someone to come home to. I want it with every fiber in my being. However truth be told, I have come to a time in my life where there are some things I am not willing to sacrifice. I am not so lonely, that I would intentionally enter into another relationship where I was made to be the one who always sacrificed. Yet, I continue to find myself frustrated at the lack of options available in this "hookup culture" we call dating, and wondering if I will be spending a lot more holidays...alone.
Perhaps it is me? That somewhere along the way, I became so fundamentally flawed, that I can no longer see or sense the negative vibe that sends out the signal, "Stay away!". Even when I go optimistically into the dating scene, I feel befuddled and discouraged. While I could easily read the signs when it came to stealing second base in softball, I feel like my wires are crossed when it comes to the opposite sex.
It doesn't help when we have also been spoon fed, the idea of "He's not into you". It still ends up being a game where you constantly second guess your moves, decisions, and sometimes conversations. Perhaps, that is also a universal sign that if you have to second guess, that it's God just telling you to back away....and quickly?
For example, I recently went out with a man who checked off a lot of boxes for me, when it came to things I want in a significant other: intelligent, articulate, kind, funny, tall, and a sports fanatic. Our first date clocked in at two hours...the second date lasted over five hours. And yet, I feel crummy. Is he really too busy right now to engage, or is his lack of follow through really the sign of, "He is just not into me"? I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but the other part of me...the one from a few years ago wants to rebel.
Not again! Not another man, who tells me through words and actions, that my life and my time will never be as precious or as important as his. Not another man....who wants to find "his best friend" but has no idea how you are supposed to make and keep friends.
I try to fight cynicism, and I try to give everyone an even shake. I just don't think I have a fair advantage anymore. Do I wait for the ideal, or recognize that if life is supposed to be like a romantic comedy, then I am going to end up the weird sidekick who helps the friend find a man, but never gets one herself.
Part of me, wants to just ask....why show me interest, get me excited about actually seeing you again, and then just make me feel like...crap when you withdraw. And why, should I feel like crap? Is it because this guy...has real potential..or the prospect of yet another disappointing encounter drives me to the point of nausea?
I want to throw in the towel, but I want to find him, too. I feel like Charlotte York who throws her hands up in the air and yells, "I have being dating for 15 years! I am exhausted! Where the hell is he?!"
My life has more social engagements these days, and I am thankful, that I have friends who are happy to see me, and make time in their busy lives for this single friend. But....it's hard. My constant friend at 10pm at night on a Wednesday is still loneliness. And it hurts....physically and spiritually.
Maybe it is not them that is the real problem, maybe, it is just me? And perhaps I have no idea how to change that?
“The trouble is not that I am single and likely to stay single,
but that I am lonely and likely to stay lonely.”
-Charlotte Bronte
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