The recent misadventures in dating, and honestly the entire frustration of terrible rules, guidelines, and principles that make up the dating world these days, have left me a little bitter. And totally sad.
I wrestle constantly, and you have read it in my blog, with just giving up. Throwing in the towel, and just learning how not to care that I don't have love. People have given me advice, thrown in their two cents, and uttered every cliche. I have given in and gone on a few set-ups, and it doesn't really change the fact that I feel pretty miserable when it is all said and done.
My last set-up was with a coworker's cousin who just wants to find a "nice girl". After meeting him and going dutch on our date (apparently a guy paying for dinner is the ultimate sign of interest level), I am convinced he would be better off with a nice boy, rather than a nice girl.
Let's not forget that the guy I was interested in and took a gamble on, informed me (through text of course) after beating around the bush for several weeks that he is not interested. Or perhaps it would be better to quote him: "If you are asking if I think we are going to be serious...to be honest I have met a few other girls and connected with them. I can't promise anything, but I definitely have a lot of friends. However, if we ever hang out again, I will definitely pay for dinner. If anything, I believe in putting in my fair share."
Apparently the guy who is "too busy to date" has enough time to have connected with a few other women as well. To make sure he didn't entirely forget rubbing salt into my wound, he goes on to text, "If it makes you feel better I have spent thousands of dollars on being "that guy" and I am still single". And the world wonders why? I guess him telling me that spending $70 on our dinner (I paid for both of us), was not so bad when compared to his losses.
Dating in the past two years can pretty much be summed by the following:
1. "Personality-wise you are almost perfect. But I am looking for perfection."
2. I don't think you are worth making time for, and to keep you guessing about my interest level I will only ever send out ambiguous texts. However, I will still have plenty of time to connect with other women, while keeping your number in my cell phone.
3. "I want to find Snow White. What can I say? Guys are jerks."
4. I want to find my best friend, not a drinking buddy.
5. You are not (insert adjective) enough for me. (Thin, pretty, rich, etc.)
6. What is the big deal? You don't seem like you need a man.
7. I just don't have time....ever. And my life and work will always be more than important than your life and your work.
8. I want some one a lot more high maintenance, a lot less nice, and someone who is going to make me chase them.
9. I want someone a little less laid back. You act more like a guy, than a girl.
10. It is not you...actually it is you. Because I am not changing my ways or my impossible ideals about women.
As much as I make light of dating at times. It does hurt. I really find myself looking at the mirror in those dark moments and wishing I was more thinner/prettier/richer/etc. But I know in the end, I would hate myself for being something that I am not, and finding myself back in the poor relationship choices of the past. But it sucks. A total gut wrenching, heart tearing, and soul crushing pain. To be ready to love and find love are very different things. And one never guarantees the other.
Therefore, perhaps I need to remind myself of those qualities that make me a good, decent, and loving person. Some things to help me remember, that it is okay to be single when the alternative choices are so bad:
1. I love to laugh, and make others laugh.
2. I smile a lot. Even when I am hurting.
3. I will go out of my way to do something for someone else. Even if it costs me time, money, etc.
4. I am passionate about things in my life, and will fight for those causes I believe in.
5. I am intelligent. Some of it is a gift, and some of it is well earned.
6. My three loving and happy pets have taught me, that I can affect the people around me.
7. I care more about the small things, then the big things. A kind gesture carries more weight than fine dining or jewelry.
8. I have a forgiving heart.
9. I make sure that I let people know that they matter to me. Even strangers and dates.
10. I am moved by the beauty of the world as well as the pain in it.
11. I treat people the way I want to be treated, even if they don't always treat me right.
In the end, I am still single. But I am also a good person. And I love deeply and honestly. And God bless the man who some day will have the intelligence/courage/heart/etc. to recognize that. I hope he won't be allergic to cats, and will like plenty of red wine.
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