Just Focus

The last couple of months I have been trying to push through the challenges in my life. More specifically, trying to find a balance between work, school, and actually having a personal life. With a major project that loomed in my face, I found it hard to find time to sleep, let alone find time to unwind. Thankfully, the project is complete, but it won't get easier as I approach my dissertation period.

We forget, and I am certainly guilty of this too, of taking time out in our life to enjoy the simple things. To do things that are not wrapped around work or other life stressors. I did a couple of things the last two weeks, that helped me feel a little more sane and a little more refreshed. First, I went out to lunch with a friend after a day of antique shopping (her buying and me just looking). Second, I had a friend over and we (I) cooked dinner, drank wine, and watched movies in our sweatpants. Being able to connect with others and laugh, just helped me feel more satisfied. Granted, having a couple of bottles of red wine, while laughing with friends is instant therapy for anyone, it helps me feel less alone.

Some people, enjoy and look forward to time alone. While, I like living by myself, I have always been a people person. I thrive on company, and love having opportunities to go out, do things, and more importantly interact with people. I have never been the kind of person who requires anything more than just being around a friend or two. It is just hard to ask sometimes, to ask for connection with others, and not feel either needy or clingy.

It definitely is a lot harder to make and maintain friends in your 30's, then in your 20's. I have been back in Ohio for almost two years, and a lot of has happened to me in that time period. My inner circle of close friends, has certainly gotten smaller, and I still struggle to find ways to fill in the holes left in my life.

Engaging in activities that allow you to interact and meet new people often requires both time and money (something I have little of), I really do try hard to find ways to feel connected to others. Whether, it is stopping at our local bar (Larry's) to have dinner or heading over to a friend's house to work on sewing headpieces for a ballet performance for her son, I strive to fill the loneliness with laughter. In many ways, I still struggle to come completely out of the depression I was in after leaving Charlotte. 

On top of this, I struggle a lot with weight, and I am still trying to find a way to motivate myself. To motivate myself to begin, but also maintain a regular workout schedule. More importantly, I need to make time to work out. I just have never been a gym rat, and I hate feeling like an elephant plodding away on a treadmill.
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Granted these are just excuses I use to keep myself from just getting out there. However when you never look good in work out clothes, and you feel your size every time you look in the mirror, doing it alone can be terrifying. While I use laughter to guard my insecurity, I still feel like a failure to maintain weight (despite a good, healthy diet) when I stand next to my thinner friends.

And trust me, I have wonderful people in my life that love me no matter what size I am, but you feel it. Every time, you realize that there are certain clothes you cannot fit into and other clothes that you should never wear. Every time you enter a race, and realize that it is the fat people who finish last (because you are one of the last).

My goal for this year, and I never did make a New Year's resolution, is to just focus. Focus on me. Focus on moving forward. Focus on doing more things for myself. Focus on finding a clearer pathway towards lasting happiness. Focus on embracing the fact that I am a good and loving person. Focus on just being the best person I can be.

And of course focus, on having time to have a glass of wine to unwind.