New Year..New Blog!

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http://threecatsandonelady.wordpress.com/

A Year of Friends

2014, while disappointing in terms of fitness, has been the year of friends for me. This year has been filled with many happy memories, and while none can fall into the romance category, every single one is attached to a friend or two.

Running races, yoga in front of the Rock Hall, housewarming parties, birthday celebrations, trivia nights, dinners, and last minute drinks have helped me to realize how blessed my life is because of the friendships I have. While my friends list has gotten shorter as I entered my 30's, the people on the list and the friendships with them have gotten richer.

It is the ones who have stayed who matter. The ones, no matter how near or far, who are happy to call me a friend, even if it has been days or weeks since we have talked or seen each other. For a few of them, they are the reasons why I have found myself again after so long. The people who believed in me, when I had lost faith in myself. The ones who haven't given up hope that someone is out there for me, when I no longer have it for myself. 

I hope your year has also been equally blessed with cherished friendships. And while 2015, will hopefully be a year of transformation, I hope my friendships will continue to transform me into a better person each day. 

Getting Back in the Saddle

As the year draws to a close, I once again reflect on what I have accomplished and what I have yet to complete. I was excited for 2014, hoping that I could get back into triathlons and finally getting a handle on the weight struggles. However, after ACL surgery and a compression injury in my good leg, I am looking at December knowing that none of my fitness and health goals have been accomplished.

I am hoping that 2015 will be the year of getting back in the saddle..or more literally, the bike saddle. In about eight weeks, I should be healed enough from my compression injury to be able to focus on more intensive training. Which means the month of December and January will be about slowly easing back into a fitness routine.

After attending several Believe in Cleveland events, I am going to try and find a place that is affordable enough for me to devote more time to the practice. Not only is it a great form of exercise, but I am in desperate need of something that allows me to center, refocus, and most importantly, release some of the stress I have been holding.

When I dropped 60 pounds almost 8 years ago, I did it because I was not happy with the person in the mirror. I was embarrassed to be in photographs, and felt like a walrus in anything revealing. This time around, I need to lose approximately 80 pounds, and have a bigger challenge ahead. But as before, this journey is personal, and for myself. I am doing it for me, and that should be the biggest motivator as I move forward into 2015.

The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

“Our too-young and too-new America, lusty because it is lonely, aggressive because it is afraid, insists upon seeing the world in terms of good and bad, the holy and the evil, the high and the low, the white and the black; our America is frightened of fact, of history, of processes, of necessity. It hugs the easy way of damning those whom it cannot understand, of excluding those who look different, and it salves its conscience with a self-draped cloak of righteousness” -Richard Wright, Black Boy

There is a lot of hate in this world. And given the recent happenings in our country, I can understand the anger, resentment, and frustrations that many Americans are feeling. I can also say that because I was born into the majority class, I have also felt a lot of "white guilt". For others, discussion of the racial divide that still separates ethnic groups by social-economic classes, is very volatile. The amount of mud slinging by people who are found among friends lists on Facebook, is saddening. We take everything too personally, without taking the time to generate a discussion about how we move forward.

We need to be more accepting of the fact that world is not the way we would like it. That many people for various reasons are too often denied rights that many of us, including myself take for granted. We are too willing to point fingers, instead of turning the finger around at ourselves, and asking, "What can I do to make it better?"

Gandhi, once said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world", but how many of us are really doing enough in our own lives to be a change for the better? We make a lot of excuses about not having time, or we chose to look the other way. But perhaps a way to make a change for the better is to acknowledge the good, the bad, and the ugly in ourselves?

Cleveland Is My Om

Changing gears here. Time to actually put something positive and uplifting on my blog. And what better way to do that than talking about my beloved hometown...and yoga.

Yoga is one of the few fitness related activities that I was given permission to do by my orthopedic surgeon without restrictions. It is the only exercise I have been able to do these last months that have allowed me to work up a sweat, get my heart rate up, and feel stronger the next day as I revel in sore muscles. 

I heard about the Believe in CLE events through my friend Carolyn who invited me to tag along this summer as 2100 yogis practiced yoga in front of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. It was blissful, it was challenging, and more importantly I felt connected to my city. It made me realize how far I had come from Charlotte, and how much I was finding the person I lost after being stuck in an abusive relationship for three years. 

I enjoyed the event so much, I got another friend to tag along and Carolyn, Cat, and I attended the AHA! Cleveland event as part of the Opening Ceremonies for the 2014 Gay Games. Seeing the sun set over the lake, rejoicing in a city that embraced athletes from different nationalities, religious affiliations, and sexual orientations, and sweating it out with two other Grunt Girls made me fall in love with my city even more during that happy evening. 

This time, I attended the Believe in CLE event by myself. However even without the support of close friends, the feeling of connection and energy was the same as I took the court of the Q Arena with Moondog and 600 other Cleveland yogis practicing their Downward Dog. While I would label myself as a recreational yogi given my inability to afford regular yoga sessions, I still felt like I belonged. 

I am facing another possible surgery on my knees, and part of me is hoping that I will be able to set aside some cash in 2015 to make it a regular practice as part of my recovery. More importantly, it has been through yoga that I have been able to let go of the stress, pain, and frustration I have been holding unto for so long. As I laid on the ground listening to my heart beat and fighting back tears, the gentle squeeze by the woman next to me who held my hand through our warm-ups, helped me to feel less alone and more part of the universe. While I need more of these events...and more of these soul comforting moments, our city needs them, too. We could all use a lot more "om" in our lives, and lot less destructive emotions that wither away at our sense of self-worth and our ability to connect with others around us.

That is why I am very glad I came back home. I needed to feel reconnected to my roots, in order to find out who I am today. I needed to find a place where I am loved for who I am. I have never been a trendy, flashy, or stand out girl...but in that way, I am very much a Clevelander. Will always be a Clevelander.

"Cleveland has never followed anyone else's rules, we made our own. That's because the city where rock was born knows a thing or two about passion, freedom and doing things your way. Sure there's been pressure. But under the right conditions, pressure can create diamonds. So if you like a bit of grit mixed with sophistication in a place where you can eat bucatini pasta served with beef jerky, dance to world music on the front lawn of a renowned art museum or do yoga in front of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame -- and all in a city where we don't take ourselves too seriously...We've never been flashy, trendy or perfect. And for that, you're welcome." -This Is Cleveland 

A Pep Talk

As I sip on a glass of red wine, and enjoy a bowl of oxtail soup (which I made from scratch), I feel like I need to take a few moments to give myself a pep talk.

The recent misadventures in dating, and honestly the entire frustration of terrible rules, guidelines, and principles that make up the dating world these days, have left me a little bitter. And totally sad.

I wrestle constantly, and you have read it in my blog, with just giving up. Throwing in the towel, and just learning how not to care that I don't have love. People have given me advice, thrown in their two cents, and uttered every cliche. I have given in and gone on a few set-ups, and it doesn't really change the fact that I feel pretty miserable when it is all said and done.

My last set-up was with a coworker's cousin who just wants to find a "nice girl". After meeting him and going dutch on our date (apparently a guy paying for dinner is the ultimate sign of interest level), I am convinced he would be better off with a nice boy, rather than a nice girl.

Let's not forget that the guy I was interested in and took a gamble on, informed me (through text of course) after beating around the bush for several weeks that he is not interested. Or perhaps it would be better to quote him: "If you are asking if I think we are going to be serious...to be honest I have met a few other girls and connected with them. I can't promise anything, but I definitely have a lot of friends. However, if we ever hang out again, I will definitely pay for dinner. If anything, I believe in putting in my fair share."

Apparently the guy who is "too busy to date" has enough time to have connected with a few other women as well. To make sure he didn't entirely forget rubbing salt into my wound, he goes on to text, "If it makes you feel better I have spent thousands of dollars on being "that guy" and I am still single". And the world wonders why? I guess him telling me that spending $70 on our dinner (I paid for both of us), was not so bad when compared to his losses.

Dating in the past two years can pretty much be summed by the following:

1. "Personality-wise you are almost perfect. But I am looking for perfection."
2. I don't think you are worth making time for, and to keep you guessing about my interest level I will only ever send out ambiguous texts. However, I will still have plenty of time to connect with other women, while keeping your number in my cell phone.
3. "I want to find Snow White. What can I say? Guys are jerks."
4. I want to find my best friend, not a drinking buddy.
5. You are not (insert adjective) enough for me. (Thin, pretty, rich, etc.)
6. What is the big deal? You don't seem like you need a man.
7. I just don't have time....ever. And my life and work will always be more than important than your life and your work.
8. I want some one a lot more high maintenance, a lot less nice, and someone who is going to make me chase them.
9. I want someone a little less laid back. You act more like a guy, than a girl.
10. It is not you...actually it is you. Because I am not changing my ways or my impossible ideals about women.

As much as I make light of dating at times. It does hurt. I really find myself looking at the mirror in those dark moments and wishing I was more thinner/prettier/richer/etc. But I know in the end, I would hate myself for being something that I am not, and finding myself back in the poor relationship choices of the past. But it sucks. A total gut wrenching, heart tearing, and soul crushing pain. To be ready to love and find love are very different things. And one never guarantees the other.

Therefore, perhaps I need to remind myself of those qualities that make me a good, decent, and loving person. Some things to help me remember, that it is okay to be single when the alternative choices are so bad:

1. I love to laugh, and make others laugh.
2. I smile a lot. Even when I am hurting.
3. I will go out of my way to do something for someone else. Even if it costs me time, money, etc.
4. I am passionate about things in my life, and will fight for those causes I believe in.
5. I am intelligent. Some of it is a gift, and some of it is well earned.
6. My three loving and happy pets have taught me, that I can affect the people around me.
7. I care more about the small things, then the big things. A kind gesture carries more weight than fine dining or jewelry.
8. I have a forgiving heart.
9. I make sure that I let people know that they matter to me. Even strangers and dates.
10. I am moved by the beauty of the world as well as the pain in it.
11. I treat people the way I want to be treated, even if they don't always treat me right.

In the end, I am still single. But I am also a good person. And I love deeply and honestly. And God bless the man who some day will have the intelligence/courage/heart/etc. to recognize that. I hope he won't be allergic to cats, and will like plenty of red wine.

It's Not You....It's Just Me

“But even so, every now and then I would feel a violent stab of loneliness.  The very water I drink, the very air I breathe, would feel like long, sharp needles. The pages of a book in my hands would take on the threatening metallic gleam of razor blades. I could hear the roots of loneliness creeping through me when the world was hushed at four o'clock in the morning.”

 -Haruki Murakami

I originally thought about titling this post as: "I Hate Holidays". But in truth, Christmas holidays are one of my favorites. It's just that at this time of year, the sense of singlehood...or more importantly, loneliness is more heightened. Every where you turn, the emphasis is on time spent with family and loved ones, and for me...it always ends up being a lot of time spent alone. 

I never really minded being alone, and sometimes it's just nice to spend a day or two with the phone turned off and curled up on the couch with a good book. However, it is this time of the year, when I often face the one demon that I still try desperately to shake off when I am alone...loneliness.

I want love and companionship, and someone to come home to. I want it with every fiber in my being. However truth be told, I have come to a time in my life where there are some things I am not willing to sacrifice. I am not so lonely, that I would intentionally enter into another relationship where I was made to be the one who always sacrificed. Yet, I continue to find myself frustrated at the lack of options available in this "hookup culture" we call dating, and wondering if I will be spending a lot more holidays...alone.

Perhaps it is me? That somewhere along the way, I became so fundamentally flawed, that I can no longer see or sense the negative vibe that sends out the signal, "Stay away!". Even when I go optimistically into the dating scene, I feel befuddled and discouraged. While I could easily read the signs when it came to stealing second base in softball, I feel like my wires are crossed when it comes to the opposite sex.

It doesn't help when we have also been spoon fed, the idea of "He's not into you". It still ends up being a game where you constantly second guess your moves, decisions, and sometimes conversations. Perhaps, that is also a universal sign that if you have to second guess, that it's God just telling you to back away....and quickly?

For example, I recently went out with a man who checked off a lot of boxes for me, when it came to things I want in a significant other: intelligent, articulate, kind, funny, tall, and a sports fanatic. Our first date clocked in at two hours...the second date lasted over five hours. And yet, I feel crummy. Is he really too busy right now to engage, or is his lack of follow through really the sign of, "He is just not into me"? I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, but the other part of me...the one from a few years ago wants to rebel.

Not again! Not another man, who tells me through words and actions, that my life and my time will never be as precious or as important as his. Not another man....who wants to find "his best friend" but has no idea how you are supposed to make and keep friends.

I try to fight cynicism, and I try to give everyone an even shake. I just don't think I have a fair advantage anymore. Do I wait for the ideal, or recognize that if life is supposed to be like a romantic comedy, then I am going to end up the weird sidekick who helps the friend find a man, but never gets one herself.

Part of me, wants to just ask....why show me interest, get me excited about actually seeing you again, and then just make me feel like...crap when you withdraw. And why, should I feel like crap? Is it because this guy...has real potential..or the prospect of yet another disappointing encounter drives me to the point of nausea?

I want to throw in the towel, but I want to find him, too. I feel like Charlotte York who throws her hands up in the air and yells, "I have being dating for 15 years! I am exhausted! Where the hell is he?!"

My life has more social engagements these days, and I am thankful, that I have friends who are happy to see me, and make time in their busy lives for this single friend. But....it's hard. My constant friend at 10pm at night on a Wednesday is still loneliness. And it hurts....physically and spiritually. 

 Maybe it is not them that is the real problem, maybe, it is just me? And perhaps I have no idea how to change that? 

“The trouble is not that I am single and likely to stay single, 

but that I am lonely and likely to stay lonely.” 

-Charlotte Bronte